Am I supposed to be someone that's not ME?

WORDIEST POST EVER:

Today was the worst Monday that could ever happen. It's actually not that bad but whatever happened at that point was really dramatic and it's been in my mind for the whole day. Can I also give a warning that I'm half high and drowsy from an old medicine which I thought would not be drowsy but here I am still trying to post up something and jump to bed right after I'm done/my hair dries .-.

It was something that happened last week but I couldn't say it out in detail till everything was settled. I was really so mad and angry I couldn't post it up online but of course thanks to my bitch, (no not my dog you know who you are if you even read my blog HAHA) I could voice out all the anger just through typing till I even cried. Yes I cry when I'm angry.

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I didn't expect it to be such a big issue and therefore I can't say it in detail however if you're really interested to know the whole drag and drama story you can always ask me in person. Basically it was something I was unhappy about - decided to send a detailed email - dragged in people from the upper ranking as well. It's something to do with school so yes since it's already over, it's improper to say it out on public.

Firstly before I start, people who are close and know me well know that I'm a fighter. I fight for my own rights, my own wants and needs; and I also fight for the people around me. Whether in big or small situations, I always try to get my aim and never just give it up instantly. Even for the people around me, eg. when they tell me about something they don't like; most of the time I'll just go "say it out lah, tell them you don't like / don't want". 

I'm not the best at advises, but I do know how to help others when they're being bullied or suppressed. Actually most of the time I don't really help LOL because I just say things like "just go only don't be scared" or "if not you'll keep suffering in silence you know". then they usually go "ya lor no choice" and then I'm like "you have a choice! it's up to you but for me I confirm say out". that kinda thing you get it right?

So it applied to this situation as well. I was unhappy with some things and decided to confront them with an email which hurt some people and we had to meet up to clarify everything. I can't show the email but my friend told me that I sounded really fierce (which I agree because I was unhappy about it) but my honest main point was just to state everything in detail and express how I felt which gave others the impression that I was just immature and spouting out nonsense that hurt others.

Personally, I feel like I'm best in expressing something through writing or typing because people normally feel my emotions and thoughts better. Especially when I'm sad or angry, it really gets to people with the language used (proper English for this context) or how I've expressed it out. I guess because of that, the email struck hard to the management and I was called out to clarify.

During the meet up, it was fine at first but things got heated up really bad till voices were raised and I started crying badly as well. Nearly everything was a miscommunication and lack of knowledge / detailed explanation but because of some words I used in the email, it had to be "investigated". I was really shocked by what happened and I got really confused which was one of the reasons why I cried and felt bad for the entire day.

Up till now, I can't take back my words from everything I've said in the email because I have a clear conscience and everything I've expressed was subjective and from my point of view. But the words I used might have hurt the opposite party and people might misunderstand me which kills me because all I ever was WAS being honest.

Because of this situation, I'm really confused with myself and how I express my thoughts. My words might be crude, rude, mean, sarcastic at times but if you're someone close to me; you know very well that I'm just being honest and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. Who is exactly at fault? I don't feel that I'm in the wrong, and I can't change the way I talk or express myself. So am I supposed to keep it in? Am I supposed to be someone that's not ME?

I'm really happy that the people close and dearest to me have been honest most of the time and they've appreciated my honestly as well. I'm also really proud that I was born and created this way where by I could just be myself and not be someone who back-stabs or hides how she feels. However, there are times where I hurt people with my thoughts and it gets really fucked up because I know I can't change anything but to just accept that I've said it - that I can't take it back - You either take it or get unhappy with me.

Don't get me wrong that I mind that you're unhappy with me. I know I can't please anyone, I just don't want people to misunderstand and think that I'm just out to get them. Which fucking hurts because most of the time I don't mean it that way.

I know i'll get over with this sooner or later because I know very well that I didn't mean to hurt anyone or create a bigger chaos than it already is. But when I don't mean to hurt someone with my honest words, life just sucks you know? Can't people be more open about expressing themselves and also accepting what others say about you? Whatever I say, whatever I do; it's all subjective and from my own principles. 

Your emotions are yours, but you cannot judge or misunderstand someone based on what they said. Same goes to the email that I sent, I felt unhappy but all I did was express out how I feel and that's why I wanted to clarify everything. I'm totally cool with the opposite party, I ain't judging or misunderstanding; it was hands down emotions and my honest opinions.

So how now brown cow? Lool.

Okay I don't know where this is going but I hope you get what I mean hahahaha.